I was very very unhappy
Dec 31, 2007 Writing Workshop Author: P. H.
Here is a short text describing how someone is feeling on a hot day. The narrator is an officer on a ship which has docked in a harbour:
My shirt was very very wet and sticky because I had sweated a lot. It wasn’t a shirt anymore. I felt pain in my feet because the deck plates, which were made of steel, were very very hot. I felt pain in my forehead because I was wearing white cap (which had a part at the front which stuck out above the eyes) and the leather band of the cap was pressing against my forehead more and more. It would remove skin of my forehead sooner or later. I felt pain in my eyes because of the sunlight which reflected from metal, water, and the harbour buildings, which were made white with a mixture of powdered chalk and water. I felt pain in my throat simply because I was thirsty. I was very very unhappy.
This is not a very well-written text, is it? There surely must be better ways of describing the situation and the ideas. Let’s see if we can improve it! Our task is twofold: First, spotting the two mistakes in the text, and second, rewriting the whole text in a “better’ way.
January 1st, 2008 at 5:03 am
I was wearing a white cap…
It would remove the skin of my forehead…
My shirt was annoyingly wet and sticky because I had sweated a lot. It wasn’t a shirt anymore. The exremely hot steel plates of the deck caused a pain in my feet. The white cap I was wearing- having a part in its front, sticking out above my eyes, with its leather band was causing even more pain and I thought it would soon remove the skin of my forehead. A mixture of powdered chalk and water made the refelction from metal, water and harbour buildings seem even brighter, making my eyes hurt. A dried throat, added to my displeasure. I was feeling simply terrible.
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:10 am
Thanks to Ardeshir for having the first try! He has spotted both mistakes correctly and has done a good job of rewriting the text. However, there are still quite a few more improvements possible. Can’t anyone think of a word – yes, a single word – to replace “which had a part at the front which stuck out above the eyes”? Think of an officer on board a ship. They are usually clad in white and wear a hat which usually has … what? Also, can’t you think of a word meanning “removing the skin”? And what English word means “make (walls etc) white with a mixture of powdered chalk and water”? And also feel free to combine sentences or split them or make whatever changes you wish to the text.
January 6th, 2008 at 10:28 am
The cap I was wearing- with its hood over my eyes and its leather band was causing even more pain and I though it would soon peel my forehead.
Plastered walls of the harbour buildings made the reflection from metal and water seem even brighter…
January 6th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Hello,
I checked this word ‘hood’ which Mr Ardeshir has used in my dictionary and I think it is not part of a hat. I wish I am not wrong. Please find my text below:
My shirt was so wet and sticky as I had sweated a lot. It wasn’t a shirt anymore. I felt pain in my feet because of the steel deck plates, which were so hot. I felt pain in my forehead because I was wearing a white cap (I don’t know how to explain this part) and the leather band of the cap was pressing against my forehead more and more. It would remove skin of my forehead sooner or later. I felt pain in my eyes because of the sunlight which reflected from metal, water, and the harbour buildings, which were whitewashed. I was thirsty and so I felt pain in my throat. I was so unhappy.
January 6th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Ghasem’s version of the text has two interesting points. First the use of “the steel deck plates”, and second the word “whitewashed” which is exactly what we have been looking for.
And a couple of points about Ghasem’s introductory remarks: “Ardeshir” is a first name, so it is unusual to use the title “Mr” before it. Also, he should have said: “I hope I am not wrong”.
I would like to encourage the other visitors to try their hands at rewriting the text, too. And when you do it, feel free to rearrange and even entirely change sentences. It’s OK, as long as you keep the meaning, of course.
January 10th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
Visor, I think this is the word we look for
January 13th, 2008 at 11:20 am
The day was hot like the devil’s furnace. My shirt was drenched in pungent sweat and sticking to my flesh. The steel deck was burning my feet. My rimmed hat was so tight it was chafing my forehead. The blinding sunlight was reflecting from water, from steel, from plaster-white structures, from everywhere. My throat was parched. I was plain miserable.
January 13th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Good suggestion by M-Y-T! “Visor” (or its British equivalent “peak”) may well be the word we are looking for… or is it?
Afshin’s version of the text contains some very interesting combinations we can all learn from:
…hot like the devil’s furnace… drenched in sweat… chafing my forehead…my throat was parched…
But what do you think of his use of “rimmed hat”?
“Hood” is a piece of clothing which can be pulled up to cover the top and back of the head:
The coat has a detachable hood.
He bought a hooded cardigan.
A “rimmed hat” usually has a rim all around it. Examples:
The film star was wearing a wide-rimmed hat and a fur coat.
The “peak” (US: visor) of a cap is the part at the front that sticks out above the eyes. A “peaked cap” is a cap that has a peak.
So, what would your choice be?
January 16th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
The tight leather band of my peaked white hat was chafing my forehead.
Is it good?
January 27th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
It’s time to reveal the source of our text. Here is the original text written by Alistair Maclean in the opening lines of his thriller “The Golden Rendezvous”:
My shirt was no longer a shirt but just a limp and sticky rag soaked with sweat. My feet ached from the fierce heat of the steel deck plates. My forehead, under the peaked white cap, ached from the ever-increasing constriction of the leather band that made scalping only a matter of time. My eyes ached from the steely glitter of reflected sunlight from metal, water, and whitewashed harbour buildings. And my throat ached, from pure thirst. I was acutely unhappy…
So, What do you think of Maclean’s way of describing the scene? Do you like his last sentence (I was acutely unhappy)? Or perhaps you prefer Afshin’s “I was plain miserable”…
January 30th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Wonderful. Lots of useful points. I can’t decide between the two options you gave. I like them both.
Thank you very much for this workshop.